I know this may come as a shock to you, but I did not eradicate judgment from my life after I wrote my Non-Judging post.
In fact, after I decided to stopallthejudging, I found myself slightly more judgmental. Especially judgmental towards myself.
Confession: Not only do I judge myself, I shame myself.
I shame myself for not making good choices.
I shame myself for not walking Tahnee everyday.
I shame myself that Tahnee has gained weight in the last year (from not walking as much). DOUBLE SHAME.
I shame myself for spending too much money going out with friends.
I shame myself for being tired after a night of fun (going out with friends and spending money). DOUBLE SHAME.
I shame myself for not calling my grandma enough. (Sorry, Grandma).
I shame myself for making mistakes at work- even though I know better. DOUBLE SHAME.
I shame myself that there is always dog hair on my floor.
I shame myself that my room is never clean.
I shame myself for not flossing everyday.
I shame myself for eating out when I’m tired, stressed or anxious. DOUBLE SHAME.
I shame myself that I have made poor choices in the past which have led me to unpleasant things today. (i.e. previously spending beyond my means; I am now paying off debt).
This shaming slowly leads to self hatred. Not necessarily hatred of myself, but hatred of particular qualities, tendencies, or attributes I have or may not have.
Over the past few weeks, I have been a part of a “Mindfulness and Mediation” class. During this past week’s topic, “Easing Up On Yourself,” we dealt a lot about self shame. I can relate. The instructor said something that I found to be very powerful (especially for a seasoned Self Shamer), “Do not change [yourself] out of self hatred. Change [yourself] out of love.”
This statement resonated with me.
One of the largest changes in my life recently was my recent weight loss (and muscle gain). When I think back to my first post, Operation Love Handle, I think about why I decided to take that journey…
I started Operation Love Handle for three reasons:
- Change my life (be healthy to live a long, healthy life)
- Change my mind (still working on that…)
- Change my body (shed the weight I gained when I was unhappy; build muscle and become strong)
These reasons were not because I hated the way my body looked. The only thing I really didn’t like was that my arms were not toned. And the only reason it bothered me was because I couldn’t do a push-up.
I started Operation Love Handle out of love for myself rather than hatred. So this is what I am thinking: I need to de-shame my shaming thoughts. In the areas of my life I’d like to improve, I have to start loving the way they are before I can change them.
“I shame myself for making a mistake at work – even though I knew better. DOUBLE SHAME.”
I love my job and I work really hard everyday. I put my best foot forward although I am not always successful. I will have good days and bad days, but the bad days will help me become better at my job.
“I shame myself for being tired after a night of fun (of going out with friends and spending money). DOUBLE SHAME.”
I am really, really, really grateful I have friends. I’m feeling stressed about money, so I will invite them over more to cut costs.
Some shames are much easier than others to re-frame. I honestly can’t re-frame all the shames from my list, but I promise to work on it. I’m hoping to see an improvement in my Self Shaming tendencies. I have a feeling it won’t happen overnight.