2012 brought big changes both physically and professionally for me. As the new year began, I knew two things for sure:
- I needed to change the way I took care of my body
- I needed to change the place of my employment
To make a very long and boring story short, I quickly realized in January of 2012 (and started to panic in the beginning of February 2012) that the job I moved to San Diego for was not a place I could continue to work.
I made the big, scary decision to leave that job and move on to a completely different job, working for a huge company, and learning a new business.
The transition was easy enough; except for a few hiccups here and there I was relatively pleased.
I spent most of the summer working and trying to enjoy San Diego. However, in this whirlwind of work and play, I soon found myself in a situation in which my personal and professional lives collided.
In fact, it was more like a crash.
As I scurried around trying to pick up the pieces, heal my spirit and move on, I kept being pulled back into the pain, sorrow and heartache of it all.
I judged myself for making the poor choices that led to this crash.
Over the course of four months, I spent most of my days off in excruciating emotional pain. During my time alone, I would replay the decisions, actions and fallacies I made; judging myself more and more each week. In the quiet of these days, I found myself drowning of the sadness of the situation. I could not go back and change anything.
In addition to my own self-deprecation, I allowed the judgements of others to redefine how I saw myself.
During this painful realization, I had an even more painful self-discovery:
I judge others just as much as I judge myself.
Ironically, the pain of my personal and professional lives meeting was created entirely on others perceptions of me. The two colliding didn’t negatively affect my job (or future career) itself. It did effect the opinions my colleagues and staff had of me.
My pain was solely from the thoughts of others and myself.
This got me thinking, what is the point of all of this? Were the judgements of my colleagues (and most importantly, myself) true? No. Not at all.
What was the point of all the judgment?
I took a step back from my larger-then-life pity party and started observing all of my daily thoughts, primarily mean and judgmental thoughts of others.
It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t pretty to see myself jump to mean thoughts when someone did or said something I didn’t like. I found myself realizing I couldn’t be upset with those who thought bad thoughts of me; I did it all the time.
As 2012 ended and 2013 began, I found myself thinking a lot about changing my negative knee-jerk reactions to thoughts of compassion, acceptance, and grace. To stop the thoughts by no longer giving them power.
So, in 2013, in addition to continuing to take care of my body, I will start to take care of my thoughts. Thoughts about others, and most importantly, thoughts about myself.
(This post was inspired by Amber’s post at http://pandaamber.com/)
Image source: We Heart It