Non-Judging in the New Year

2012 brought big changes both physically and professionally for me. As the new year began, I knew two things for sure:

1. I needed to change the way I took care of my body
2. I needed to change the place of my employment

To make a very long and boring story short, I quickly realized in January of 2012 (and started to panic in the beginning of February 2012) that the job I moved to San Diego for was not a place I could continue to work.

I made the big, scary decision to leave that job and move on to a completely different job, working for a huge company, and learning a new business.

The transition was easy enough; except for a few hiccups here and there I was relatively pleased.

I spent most of the summer working and trying to enjoy San Diego. However, in this whirlwind of work and play, I soon found myself in a situation in which my personal and professional lives collided.

In fact, it was more like a crash.

As I scurried around trying to pick up the pieces, heal my spirit and move on, I kept being pulled back into the pain, sorrow and heartache of it all.

I  judged myself for making the poor choices that led to this crash.

Over the course of four months, I spent most of my days off in excruciating emotional pain. During my time alone, I would replay the decisions, actions and fallacies I made; judging myself more and more each week. In the quiet of these days, I found myself drowning of the sadness of the situation. I could not go back and change anything.

In addition to my own self-deprecation, I allowed the judgements of others to redefine how I saw myself.

During this painful realization, I had an even more painful self-discovery:

I judge others just as much as I judge myself.

Ironically, the pain of my personal and professional lives meeting was created entirely on others perceptions of me. The two colliding didn’t negatively affect my job (or future career) itself. It did effect the opinions my colleagues and staff had of me.

My pain was solely from the thoughts of others and myself.

This got me thinking, what is the point of all of this? Were the judgements of my colleagues (and most importantly, myself) true? No. Not at all.

What was the point of all the judgment?

I took  a step back from my larger-then-life pity party and started observing all of my daily thoughts, primarily mean and judgmental thoughts of others.

It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t pretty to see myself jump to mean thoughts when someone did or said something I didn’t like. I found myself realizing I couldn’t be upset with those who thought bad thoughts of me; I did it all the time.

As 2012 ended and 2013 began, I found myself thinking a lot about changing my negative knee-jerk reactions to thoughts of compassion, acceptance, and grace. To stop the thoughts by no longer giving them power.

So, in 2013, in addition to continuing to take care of my body, I will start to take care of my thoughts. Thoughts about others, and most importantly, thoughts about myself.

(This post was inspired by Amber’s post at http://pandaamber.com/)

Image source: We Heart It

Advertisement

Los Angeles, baby

(image source)

This past week, I traveled again for work. If you follow me on twitter, you may have gotten really sick of really enjoyed all of my updates on my travels from Sunday on.  I flew into LAX on Sunday afternoon and rented a car and drove to my hotel.

Do you like how casual I was about that? You know, me renting a car and driving in LA?

Even though I have been legally allowed to rent a car in California for almost 2 years, I never have. Until Sunday. I reserved a mid-sized car that was advertised as a Corolla or Civic. Well, they did not have a Corolla or Civic for me. They had a Ford Focus. I was very disappointed. However, by the end of my 4-day excursion I kinda liked my Ford Focus. I actually named her.

(I totally forgot to take a picture of her, so I guess this will do.)

Say hello to Cherry Bullet

(image source)

Anyways, I got Cherry Bullet and um… Drove in Los Angeles. I’ve driven through LA many, many times but I have never drove a car in and around downtown LA. It was challenging. Let’s just say that after I located my hotel, it took me 20 minutes to figure out how to pull into the hotel parking. Don’t judge.

Quick back-story: both of my parents grew up, met, married and started our family in Southern California. They spent many years of their lives in and around Los Angeles. Very soon after I was born, they moved out of LA and we never moved back. My parents hate Los Angeles. They hate it. My entire life I have always heard how awful LA is; the smog, the people, the congestion, the traffic…. So, not surprisingly, I hated it too. When traveling outside of California, I would get very insulted if people thought I lived in LA. “No” I would correct them. “I live in Northern California.”

Needless to say, I was not looking forward to being in LA for work. After arriving at the hotel on Sunday, I decided to have dinner. Whenever I’ve traveled for work in the past, I’ve always had a co-worker with me to share a meal with. This time, I was traveling alone. I was staying in the super-duper fancy Westin Bonaventure (which, when my parents learned what hotel I was staying in, they both exclaimed, “That’s a really nice hotel!“) I was in one of the towers, on the 22 floor, over looking downtown. It was awesome. I chose one of the many restaurants in the hotel and had dinner by myself.

Like how casual I was about that? I had dinner by myself. I’ve been to many “fast food” or “order at the counter” restaurants by myself. I usually order my food and then leave. In college, I would usually eat at the restaurant, but usually it was on campus, in between classes so I would study while I ate.

In my adult life, I have never gone into a “sit down” restaurant by myself and ordered dinner. Breaking out of my comfort zone, I decided against sitting at the bar and instead sat at a table by myself. Of course, I came prepared and had a book to read; but I have to admit, it was hard to sit there alone. I felt like everyone was looking at me, and judging me. But, within 20 minutes I felt fine.

I’m so grown up. Rented a car. Drove in LA. Ate at a restaurant by myself.

I had a great day at work on Monday, then had dinner with my pseudo step sister* and her fantastic roommate. They met me downtown and we went to a very chic LA restaurant. We had so much fun.

We enjoyed a nice glass of wine.

By the time I left Los Angeles on Tuesday afternoon, Cherry Bullet and I mastered driving in LA; and I had a really good time. I have to admit I kinda liked LA. Well, at least I can say I don’t hate it.

*Our parents aren’t married, but have been together for years. We just say we’re step siblings. It’s easier. 🙂

Goodbyes and New Beginnings

Tomorrow is the last day of my job.

A year ago this weekend I signed up for a job that was a year commitment. I’ve known all year that tomorrow, September 23, would be my last day.

In the past few months, as I have prepared for this ending, I was optimistic, excited about my future opportunities. As a young professional with a hell of a work ethic and a lot to offer, I was confident I would find a position that I loved if not with my current organization, but definitely with another.

As time slowly crept by, and opportunities came and went, I became increasingly anxious. Despite reassurances from some very kind (and knowledgeable) people, I had no job lined up. Last week, with my last day on the horizon, I slowly cleaned out my desk and wrapped up all of my projects. I recycled countless notes from meetings, ideas, agendas, flyers, that I at one time felt worthy to keep, yet now, I feel that they are not important. What was important to me, I quickly realized, was that after a year of working and putting my heart into my projects, I would be leaving my office, with no guarantee to return.

In the cubicles around me, people were shuffling around, busy with projects, deadlines, and meetings. I overheard important, passionate conversations. People were talking happily of their successes and disappointment with their challenges. Yet, there I sat, at my desk with nothing. No future job secured. I had nothing to do as of Monday, September 27th.

As I started this week, I decided I would leave on a happy note, not with Eeyore following me around and a cloud over my head. Instead, I would have a good week and not cry when colleagues stopped by my desk, sad to see me go. I would be strong, leave with my box of belongings, and celebrate my year at this organization with my colleagues I loved most. As difficult as this week was going to be, it had been a fantastic year, and it was time for a close.

Tuesday afternoon, one of my colleagues sent me an email: Job Offer.

Now, I have a few applications out there, and I am hopeful that the applications will turn into an interview and hopefully a job offer, but the offer would be at least weeks away.

And here I was, staring at an email of a colleague offering me a job –  a temporary job – yet a job. At first I thought, no, I should just leave and focus on finding permanent employment. Take a few days off. Walk Tahnee for two hours everyday.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that my promising job applications were not a promise of employment, and that in fact, at the end of October I could still be unemployed. I decided to take the temporary job, with the condition that I may leave for another permanent job.

Although I officially start my new job Monday, I got to start working on my new project today. And although it is at the same organization, working with the same people, I felt very excited, and I loved working on the new project. I no longer was referred to my old job title (which, after a year, started having a negative connotation…) and I gained a new level of respect. And although I know this is not permanent, I feel that this new (temporary) beginning has been just what I needed.

So tomorrow, when I go to work as my last “official” day in my old position, I will be happy for the experience I had, and not sad to be leaving. But, instead, I will be hopeful of my new beginning.